I may use some incredibly colloquial terms throughout this post, forgive me.
Yeah, yo I’m about to be 100% real with you guys right now. I don’t even know why i am talking or typing like i know you, you who is reading this, i probably or most likely don’t but whatever.
The truth of the matter is this, i am legitimately struggling right now. I am stress free, i have 0 responsibilities over than my job down at the bowling alley, but i am struggling and it’s really real. They say life isn’t easy, but nobody is talking about how tough it really is. There a few major and minor points i want to touch on or get of my chest however you choose to receive that sentence, i mean this as sincerely as possible, i don’t really care anymore.
Yo, i think i am tired… tired of living like this, tired of feeling this way, you know what, even as a Christian – and i know this is most of you switch off or yawn, go ahead nobody cares about you either – who loves God, i still find incredibly hard to trust in him in these circumstances. Shameless plug time: I am currently hosting my own show every Monday night 10pm – 12am on Demon Fm 107.5, which you can catch at http://www.demonfm.co.uk/listen or find the source on the TuneIn app in your local mobile app store….however… even as i have the complete freedom to run my own show, which is my dream that i am making come true, i can’t help but still feel lost and incomplete. I don’t know if it’s because i miss my ex who i split up with a few months ago, who really and truly, never really cared me the way i did after the 2nd month in but then again i am not surprised I’m just confused by what i did wrong again. That’s another issue altogether which i will explain later. Staying on the topic of her though, yeah listen i really loved her and i thought she was special and i was incredibly sad she has gone, which i have no managed to supplement, with feelings of good will and positivity, reminded myself that “She’s free and I’m happy for her :)”. Also people who are now just finding out, are meeting me with the famous “Well it just wasn’t meant to be”, or “Maybe you’ll find the right one soon” But you know what fam? (Lol my black side came out there) I’m sick and tired of hearing it. Especially with break ups, why do people feel…Scratch that, why does the world come up with these dumb sayings which, in theory are very true, but are also very disconcerting and show zero to no empathy at all. Like I’ll be telling someone: “Ahh i dunno man, it’s all good, im just feeling a little rough right now you know, it’s weird she’s gone.” To which my friends, family, or strangers, will always reply with: “Yeah i know how you feel Kwess, but that’s life…”.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. For giving me absolutely nothing but empty words that doesn’t even attempt to make me feel less crappy than i do already. Also, is that life? Really? Really? That’s all there is to life? Just a boring endless circle of pain, lead by forgiveness and well being and being in a good mental space, to then be greeted by another potential pain bringer?
What. Is. That.
I can’t live like that anymore. And besides that, i know God has got my back but damn! He could have warned me man, that breakup stuff hurts… it hurt just as much as the last time. You never get any better at break ups, you just learn to bounce back quicker, but even that means that you miss out substantial parts of the healing process as you look to bounce back rapidly which is a product of not wanting to feel bad anymore and people making you feel as though you burden them with your pain.
You know what, if i could say one thing to her, i would say why? Why did you act some of the ways you did, because even though you ‘loved me’ you did some very messed up things to me. Is that what you believe love is? Is that what you feel i deserve? Also, do i mean nothing to you anymore? If so, did i mean anything in the first place??
And you know what, people will slew me for writing this, they will laugh and point and say: “Ahhh kwess you’re soft boy” but you know what…I’m done caring what anyone thinks of me anymore. Im tired of caring what you men think i should be or act like and I’m caring what you girls think i should say or behave like. Despite me discussing my feelings. Ive been a man. I am a man. And i will continue to do this, until all men realise, you’re feelings and emotions, the way you feel, is not baggage that get’s lost and customs. It’s real, when you feel something, you really feel it, don’t suppress it, don’t run from it, don’t hide it but when it comes back, it comes back stronger or in the case of lost property, if could come back with a fine. Have you ever had to pay a fine for leaving something behind that was already yours…piss take.
Well i am about done, i think I’ve said enough. No, this is not a rant, but this was oddly therapeutic and i know if i am writing it now, it’s because someone else needs it too, so enjoy my shortcomings, i suffered them for you.
Also, wherever you are in the world, girl i recently dated, i hope you are happy, i’m not mad, I’m just upset that it was so easy for you to fall out of love with me. That stung me boy, but I’m still a big boy ha ha and I’ve cried my tears, yeah I am OK. I wish you would come back and answer some questions for me, it would help me move on from you a lot easier…I guess that’s the catch 22.
The day you decided someone was too important to lose, was the day you gave them a license to tear you apart, we only love them because we trust them not too.
Peace out, A town down. Stay blessed. Live life, dream big. Work hard. Play harder. Above all things, praise God, love him, know him or not, he still gives us new breaths to breathe each morning. Thank you Jesus Christ my lord and saviour…he can be yours too if you want him too. And boy in this world, just about everyone could do with a bit of Jesus lol.
GOD is love, Kwesi Darkwa Ampadu